Well I went to the video store late one night
I was feeling lonely and uptight
There was a girl at the counter standing pretty and tall
About to rent a movie starring Steven Seagal
Said hey honey you think he's tough
Why don't you check out this stuff
I turned around and with a smirk
Tried to pick a fight with the video store clerk
I said I ain't kind and I don't rewind
And now I'm going to kick your behind
A nifty right cross brought me to my knees
Then he reminded me about my late fees
Yelled to the girl and he hit me again
And I said these words as the lights went dim

Let me be your new action hero
I want to be your new action hero
Cause I'd walk through fire for you
And I'd risk being shot
Blow up public enemy number one
Just to say “I think your pretty hot.”
If you let me be your new action hero

Well the very next day I woke up in jail
And that girl was there and she posted bail
I was elated with love as I walked toward her
She said I'm only doing this if you sign a restraining order
Hurt and confused I couldn't understand
Oh, Jean-Claude Van Damme
Turned to the guard and boy was stunned
When I reached down and pulled out his gun
The guard just stood there not saying a word
Like a bit player in this theater of the absurd
In a time like this I wonder how Bruce Willis would act
Couldn't figure it out so I gave the gun back
The guard beat me up till I couldn't take anymore
And I said these words as my head hit the floor

Let me be your new action hero
I want to be your new action hero
Cause I'd go through car chases just to have you here with me
Can't understand why were not together must be a government conspiracy
So please take my hand, before I really snap
Like the aging detective said, I'm getting to old for this crap
And let me be your new action hero
I just got to be your new action hero
Oh, for you I would hold a bomb while it ticked
Cause I'm the rebel without a script
Please let me be your new action hero
And I would save the world from trouble
With my trusty stunt double
If you let me be you new action hero