[Adam]
Look at this crib
In all of its glorious antiquary
Every curve and surface speaks to me
Saying pamper and spoil me
Sand me and oil me
Come on
I know to the untrained eye it's boring
But nothing's a chore when you're restoring
Apart from frustration, pain, and financial drain
It's fun!

Folks say Adam
Why do you polish your crib when you don't have a kid?
And even if you did have a kid
This crib is too precious for placing a baby inside it
So it simply exists to remind you
Your sense of perfection is just a reflection
That you are not mentally prepared to make room for a kid
Adam, why don't you live?
Adam, just make a start
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set-
Ready, set-

[Barbara]
Look at these jugs!
Amazingly glazed and terracotta-ery
I took some clay and made you pottery
The world will never wreck you
I'll protect you in a mother's embrace

Folks say, Barbara
Why can't you see that ceramics is simply a manifestation of motherly panic
By making a baby that's breakable
Aren't you creating a way of translating the terror of making maternal mistakes into clay
Hiding away so you don't have to face being a bad mom
Barbara
That's what you've done, Barbara
Just make a start
Are you willing to take the next step?
Ready, set-

[Both]
Here we stand
At the end of a 10-year plan
A house
A yard
A minivan
A baby should be next
Together let's leap off the cliff
Fall forever, then smash to bits
Trapped in a terrifying viper pit
Of diapers and regret
Are we willing to take the next step?

[Adam]
Ready, set-

[Barbara]
Ready, set-

[Adam]
Not yet

[Barbara]
Not yet

[Adam]
Why rush?

[Barbara]
Why rush?

[Both]
Soon enough, our hopes and our dreams will be crushed

[Barbara]
But not yet!

[Adam]
But not yet!

[Barbara]
Not now

[Adam]
Not now

Ooohh?

No!

See?
We can't start a family in a house with creaky floorboards

[Barbara]
You are absolutely right
Let's add it to the list
With the cracks in the plaster

[Adam]
The wi-fi should be faster

[Barbara]
This sofá needs a castor

[Adam]
The bathroom's a disaster!

[Barbara]
What about global poverty?

[Adam]
What about world peace?

[Barbara]
Then there's the whole darn economy

[Adam]
The whole Middle East

[Barbara]
We should learn Mandarin

[Adam]
Yeah!
Or Spanish at least

[Both]
No habla español
Dos cervezas por favor

And that's all we got
And that's not a lot
Do we want a bilingual household or not?

So let's go slow
No breaking a sweat
What's the point of having children
If we're drowning in debt?

[Barbara]
Now we're totally

[Adam]
Completely

[Barbara]
Maybe eighty percent

[Adam]
I'd say seventy-eight

[Both (Betelgeuse)]
Ready to take
The next step (Yeah! Yeah! Yeah Yeah!)
The next step (zooby dooby dooby, dooby dop and bow!)
The next step (zweeby, beeby, boo-bah-bah-dee!)
The next step
Ready, set let's-

[Betelgeuse]
See I wasn't kidding
It's a show about death!