Jillian was her name
She was sweeter than aspartame
Her kisses reconfigured my dna
And after that I never was the same

And I loved her even more
Than Marlon Brando loved souffle
She was gorgeous, she was charming
Yeah, she was perfect in every way

Except she was always using the word infer
When she obviously meant imply
And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing
But frankly, I can't imagine why

And I told her, I said
Hey! Are we playing horseshoes, honey?
No, I don't think we are!
You're close! (close!)
But no cigar!

Then I met sweet young janet
Prettiest thing on the planet
Had a body hotter than a habanero
She had lips like a ripe pomegranate

And I was crazy like manson about her
She got me all choked up like mama cass
She had a smile so incredibly radiant
You had to watch it through a piece of smoked glass

I thought after all these years of searching around
I'd found my soulmate finally
But one day I found she actually owned a copy
Of Joe Dirt on dvd

Oh, no! I said
Hey! Are we lobbing hand grenades, kiddo?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (close!)
Oh, so very close! (close!)
Yeah, baby, you're close! (close!)
So close!
But no cigar!

(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(Oh, yeah!)
(Oh, no!)
(All right!)

Julie played water polo
She wore a ribbon on her left manolo
She had me sweating like nixon every time she was near
My heart was beating like a buddy rif solo

And she was everything I've dreamed of
She moved right up to #1 on my list
And did I mention she's a world famous billionare
Bikini supermodel astrophysicist

Yeah, she was so pretty she made charlize theron
Look like a big fat slobbering pig
The only caveat is one of her earlobes
Was just a little tiny bit too big

I said
Hey! Are we doing government work here?
No I don't think we are!
You're close! (close!)
So very, very close! (close!)
Aaw, baby, you're close! (close!)
So close!
But no cigar!

Missed it by that much! (no cigar!)
Ah, yeah! Ah, right! (no cigar!)
Really, really, really close! (no cigar!)
But no cigar!